Sunday, February 17, 2013

House Salad

"House Salad"
            Sashmita was a Planet Jumper, a planetary government auditor for the Universal Governance.  Her job was tedious, and most days made her feel like she'd taken a flaming brick straight to the eyes.  Today had been no different, and she contemplated exactly what her future with the Universal Governance was as she ducked across a narrow alleyway into her favorite dive bar on Planet 770. Formerly known as Earth, it was the universe's well-known half asylum, half mutant colony. The No Exit bar was about as seedy as you could get, but Sashmita always found its patrons interesting to watch.  Pulling open the rusty door, the smell of vomit and fried meat permeated her senses.
            "Sashmita!" cried Perny the bartender.  "Been forever, right?"
            "Two years at least," Sashmita replied, slipping onto a barstool. Just as she sank in, Perny slammed down a mug of the local delicacy, a Cranberry-Fudge Meatball Sparkler.  It jiggled, frothed, and then settled down, the meatballs glaring up at her in a pleading manner. Something about the drink always set off some sort of religious battle in her lower intestines, but she took it gratefully, tipped her head back, and let the chunks slide in.
            "Any new regulars?" Sashmita asked, eyes watering from the grog.
            "One. Some vampire from Planet 88.  Word is he's allergic to blood."
            "So why's he here on 770?" Sashmita asked, only half interested.
            "Planet 88 ain't like the other vampire planets. Yuppies, every one, and no girl's family is going to have a vegan at their dinner table."
            As if on cue, a very large, pale man in a black latex suit yanked open the door. He oozed into the bar the way a seven foot long sofa oozes sideways into a three foot wide hallway.  Even before freeing his girth from the clutches of the unforgiving doorway, the vampire cried out to Perny. "Starving! Bring me your best house salad!"

            "Sure you don't want a steak? Extra rare tonight," Perny joked.
            Sashmita laughed as the idea planted a seed into the vampire's brain, made its way to the backs of his eyes, and pushed them outward, making them bug out like a cheap old lady's at a seafood buffet.
            "You know better!" the vampire snapped, thunderously making his way to a back table.
            "Holy rollers! Why's he so…big?" Sashmita exclaimed.
            "No blood and the vampire body goes all fat, I guess," Perny replied, then called to the waitress in the back. "Hey, Laquisha!  Salad for the fat vampire!"
            Laquisha emerged minutes later, a zombie with one eyeball and half of a leg missing, mumbling to herself about how vampires have the easy life, and how he should get up and serve himself.
            Sashmita went silent in her own thoughts until she heard a loud gurgling sound, followed by a what sounded like a deflated basketball hitting the floor. Everyone looked to the back of the bar to find the vampire frothing at the mouth, dead.
            "Well, knew it would happen eventually," Perny said stoically. A large leper with one arm came by with a push-broom and swept the vampire into a back-room incinerator.
            "So, what's going to happen to the government here now that you've audited us again?" Perny asked Sashmita.
            "Your politicians are a bunch of stoners who hang out behind a Taco Bell playing hackey sack and smoking joints all day. We're probably going to blow you up and put a casino planet here instead."
            Perny looked shocked, raising his one enormous eyebrow.  "Its for the best," Sashmita replied, slamming a fiver on the counter and walking back out into the putrid night air.

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